I Just Called, To Say, I Think You're Not My Father

so i ripped off a stevie wonder song with the title. but at least it's a sappy-crappy wonder song. gosh his music is awful in the 80s. but maybe it's the M.O. of the 80s all things must be awful, except the babies being born. since i am a baby of the 80s.

my birth and tomorrow inevitably make me think of my sperm donor father. yes my parents were briefly married but for most of my life i saw David, sperm donor, once a year on X-Mas. that's reasonable if he's working for National Geographic in Africa or his a doctor or lives on either U.S. coast. but no, he lived approximately six miles away from me growing up.

his father, my grandfather was more like a dad to me. he passed away five years ago. it's been five years since i spoke/saw david. and there have been points were i felt maybe i could send him a write-off letter. but i opted against it. because the weird/sad/strange think is i don't know him to have any sort of feelings towards him. it's all plain flavor, except there really isn't any flavor. i know he comes from this big irish-catholic family. i know he likes louie lamoure books and than he's pretty laid back and unmotivated. but i had a dream that i called him on father's day. so maybe i will tomorrow. to use the stevie line again, "i just called, to say, i don't know you." who are you? but that's the thing, i don't think i want to know him. i just don't care for any sort of relationships in my life to be ambiguous. so i'm going to suck it up and call him tomorrow and wish him happy david's day. because biological he might be my father, but he is not my dad, nor will he ever be.

Ladies and Gentleman Put Your Hands Together for the Undees

i was journaling the other day, that's write i journal and am proud about it, been doing it since i was six. but as i was saying i was journaling and for some reason i thought of movie/books/music this is grossly underrated and doesn't get the credit it deserves. kinda like mike redmond.

then in my sick little mind i thought if they have the oscars for best film, razzies for worst film. emmies, tonies, grammies and AMA's and even moonmen from MTV then i am a going to create an awards show for Undees --- the most underappreciated films of the year. it would later expand to books, essays, music and television, although no broadway, because the stuff off of broadway is where it's at.

so in no particular order i present the debut of the Undees.

broadcast news: maybe it's my sick fancination since i work around news cycles. but so darn funny, regardless

rushmore: second in line after bottle rocket, rushmore still remains my favorite over the tenebaums and life aquatic. her we see the wilson boys and wes anderson on the start of something good. would also go on to inspire the anderson/wilson dynasty and arrested development, which the cancellation still brings a tear to my eye

in america: a beautiful film about a family moving to america in the 80s. if you have not seen it, rent it, rent it now. seriously. plus the little girls in the film are adorable and sisters in real-life.

why we fight: i enjoy documentaries and this one is pertinent and much under the radar compared to al gore's global warming, morgan spurlock's supersize me or any michael moore film. very interesting and very deserving

before sunrise/before sunset: essentially they are two films. but i consider them one. in case you have never heard about them or if you have skip the next few sentences. before sunrise was created in mid 90s about two recent college grads from different parts of the world who meet on a train and spend the day together. it is the ultimate ambiguous ending. but the plan was to film the next movie ten years later in real time and see what happened. before sunset is ethan hawke at his most vulnerable and brilliant acting since his white fang days. he was just off uma-divorced-me-since-i-slept-with-a-canadian-stripper-and-won't-take-me-back-but-i-want-her-back stage. and his character is real, vulnerable, mad, sad, etc. and whoever i loaned those DVDs to has yet to return them. damn my mind for forgetting, but not forgetting how good they are.

slap shot: it does not get the credit it deserves for being a top three sports flick. i believe hoosiers, over-rated. brian's song, over-rated. field of dreams, over-rated. but slapshot with it's vulgarity, crudeness and ode to the hanson brothers, the hockey hansons not the "hhhmmm....bop" singing ones, is a great tour-de-force of 70s hockey teams.

so those are my deserving undees!

Here Comes the Sun, Sudden Panic Attack

interview at 2:30. meeting with former supervisor in about an hour to walk thru stuff. have a good vibe going, but i'm scared while i am driving i will realize the magnitude of this second chance and have a massive panic attack, swerve out of control somewhere East on I-94 and end up being flow to the U of M hospital.

ok. i don't really think that. except i do wonder how to balance personal me and professional me? they are similar entities, but given the work that i do, you have to be a bit of a freak and have to let your hair down in a reasonable and silly manner. it's the silliness that gets me. or instant comfort levels. that what i don't like about interviews. essentially they are dates. to see if both sides will be happy in the employment relationship.

in dating sphere i was the queen of four dates. cause it is about the four date mark where you become either exclusive or end it. sadly, professional me is also good with the 4th round or 4th date of an interview. yet always the damn runner-up. well hopefully not this time. i want the crowd, the date, the job, damnit. and i don't care who knows.

where has my self-respect gone?

What's the Cost of a Second Chance?

So seriously, I don't have the answer to this question. But what is the price of a second chance? I know they are rare, hard to come by and if you don't pursue them you spend a part of your mind wondering "what if?" So what is the value of a second chance. It's something I don't think I want to figure out, because the return on the investment is too sweet.

Second chances, whether a job, a love that got away, a relationship or an opportunity are rebounds. But the good kind of rebounds. The second chance rebounds, not like being a rebound date or you are mending and on the rebound. You can either make the most of the second chance and put it in the basket or you can miss it. Chances are you are going to have a better opportunity than the first second chance, because since chances are rare -- third and fourth chances -- are even more hard to come by and rarely exist. Unless of course you are Joe Liberman.

So what to do with my second chance at the U? They have expediated the process because they are definitely interested in hiring me for a variety of positions and I think they are trying to determine where I could be best used -- for the organization and for my own goals. While I am loving the second chance, I'm getting nervous for this interview. I really thought I had it 18 months ago. And professionally speaking I know I can be a polarizing personality -- either you like me or find me intimidating. Why is confidence intimidating? It truly is. If you are a bold person who is also opinionated and likes to take risks -- watch out! Women in positions of power will either embrace this or be threatened by it. It's very dumb. And it's only with women with other women. We are our own worst enemies -- we frickin' sabatoge shit. And when that day comes when I'm in power of position I vow to never do this.

How do I capitalize and make the most of this second chance? I have some leverage. I seem to be in demand these days as a finalist, but how to clear the hurdle and get exactly what I want? Jesus, that sounds like a Cosmo coverline.

Is this second chance going to be a second chance and redemption and possibly free grad school? Or a second chance at heart-ache? I guess I gotta take the chance, and my chances.

My Love for All Things Mischke

for the most part, i like change. but there is one thing that i am still saddened that changed. the switch of tommy "t.d." mischke to day-time. i thoroughly enjoyed his show for the past several years before i went to bed. working in the PR field i always found his take on the news-of-the-day entertaining and insightful. undertaker al, joe and all the other late-night crazies. and one of my favorite memories to have occurred his conversation with mayor R.T. i wish i could find the conversation to link it in. it is straight-up fantastic, because R.T. thinks he is calling KS 95 and Mischke being the fine journalist that he is doesn't let him off the hook. good God, it's great. but this might me another one of my Top 5 Mischke moments. it's the best thing about new hampshire that i am aware of.

mischke could almost change me to ms. st. paul, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. i enjoy the other city, but this girl's heart reads M-P-L-S, not s-t-p. but thinking of s-t-p makes me think of stone temple pilots, which inevitably puts me back to middle school, which inevitable makes me itch. like swimmer's itch. here's what i don't understand about high school violence. how could those years be worse than middle school? there is nothing good that occurs to anyone from 13 - 14. those years are the abyss of life years, that's what i call them. i have yet to meet someone who has enjoyed middle school or junior high. it's torturous years. maybe the high school violence erupts because of all the angst that kids suffer in middle school. but jon stewart said it best. kids who are feeling depressed and angry in high school should attend a 25 year high school reunion. because there you will see the popular group losing hair, gaining weight and looking awfully worse than the freaks and geeks from 25 years ago. yep, i won't be attending any sorts of school reunion. yes there are people i would like to see or re-connect with, but this day in age of myspace and internet searches, it's easier to find people. so i will not be going through the ridiculous and resentful reunion thing. and i will keep a little slice of resentment that mischke is on at noon instead of 9 - midnight.

an expected but an unexpected surprise

i have one dear friend from high school that i still keep in contact with. she fills me in on the hometown gossip -- who's hooking up, getting married, having babies, etc. she's a good egg. prolly the sweetest-would-give-you-the-shirt-off-her-back type of friend. very lucky to have her and very luck that she is still alive. she had kind of a PSYCHO ex-boyfriend at one point. but now she is married. happened earlier this year.

so i predicted that would want kids right away. she was the first person i know to buy a house. always has her shit together, unlike my pathetic excuse of self. hey, i like my renter's credit, thank you very much. who wants to build equity at my age? oh, smart people who have their shit together, that's who.

haven't talked to this friend in awhile. sent a card just thinking of her and hoping all is well. got a card back saying they are expecting sometime in early 2008. so the baby could have a chance at being born on my b-day, i like this child already.

so has friends get married, settle down and start families, what about those of us who aren't? since i'm on the later stages of my 20s, i don't feel the judgement like women in their 30s. but technically i am still single. so i feel the judgement approaching at a speedy rate. life's funny, ya know? there is like this static of other people's opinion, pressures, norms, societal expectations, that if you listen to it long enough you could go crazy. i firmly believe that. that's why you gotta follow the beat of your own drum, head or heart.

so while i am excited for her and her dream of having a family i question whether it is i really want or if i'm just tuning into the static too much???

Canadian Geese Mass Suicide

the oddest thing occurred yesterday. or more of a true statement the oddest thing that i witnessed was yesterday morning. i was driving on 694 in between 252 and university ave. so i am crossing the good ol' mississippi river and the Canadian geese family with goslings (not nearly as the canandian ryan gosling) are walking across the interstate. then there was another family coming up from the river and then another. it was like Canadian geese family ala Jonestown
and i was witnessing the initial Jim Jones of the candian geese pact.

now depending on your opinion luckily i moved over to the fart left and so did most of the other cars that i saw. given it was 8:00 am there weren't too many cars on the road. but it was so bizarre. because there were three families. strange and hopefully it didn't end in a sad ending, but again, depending on your opinion you could determine your own sadness.

so i have a friend who works in the book publishing business. he was telling me about this new memoir that he thinks i would really dig. "she sort of writes like you," he tells me. what i am no longer original? "no," he confirms. "she has this cool grunge story of traveling the country in dive bars with her chick band. and she writes like teenage journal style, but is quite witty and whimsical."

needless to say i didn't know what to make of these comments. teenage journal style reminds of judy blume books. and i don't think i would ever describe myself as whimsical. just like i would never describe myself as "nice." (for those interested i can't stand when someone is described as "nice." to clarify people can be sweet or kind, gentle or good-hearted but nice? it's what you say when you don't have anything else to say. such has if you've had a boring weekend and you get back to the office and people ask you how it was you respond "nice." there's no thought or anything of interest in the answering with the word nice. unless of course it is followed with the phrase "to look at." example. he's nice....to look at.) where the hell was i again?

oh the book and the writer. so my publisher friend tells me that the author is Laurie Lindeen from the Zuzu Petals. and sure shit what is the feature story in today's STRIB SOURCE section an article on Laurie Lindeen and her memoir called Petal Pusher. And according to Amazon I can purchase it with The Replacements biography for a steal of $31.95

how weird is that? it's not that i am going the book because it was featured in the STRIB. that's not how i roll. but you feel like you know something potentially cool that no one else knows. it's like anything else that is underground and once it goes mainstream you end up like Diablo Cody although without the stripping, the royalties or an appearance on The Letterman Show.

so do i have a point to my rambling? do i ever have a point to the rambling? of course not, it is just to amuse. but Petal Pusher looks like it could be entertaining. and i was never in a band so that's not the genre my memoir will take me. but i did pick the sticks over the weekend and pretended to be the next John-a Bonham, but i'm pretty tame so i drum more like Ringo Starr although i think i'm cooler than him. just not british or in one of the best bands of all time. but personality-wise i'd rank myself higher than ringo. but prolly not his son Zak Starkey. kidding. Zak's first wife looks like a female Paul McCartney. It's weird. Google and see for yourself if interested.

so just so we are tallying up the crazy references in this ramble. from jim jones and jonestown to diablo cody and zak starkey. i think it's an afternoon delight, skyrockets in flight.